No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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