If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
