oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He told me they were just razor bumps!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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