just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
