trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
