Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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