My liver just broke up with me...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
