one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
