She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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