Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
