When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So. Much. Porn.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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