Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
