Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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