I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
