mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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