The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
