u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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