my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
