I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
