literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
