I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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