I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
