I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
