do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My feet surprised me
Randomize
