dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We had to coat check the pizza.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
did i just pee glitter
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
