OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
