We need to rekindle our bromance
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
