And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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