I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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