Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
