Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
