I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
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I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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