I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
