she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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