Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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