Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
