Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
