Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
