Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
