apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
