my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
How's work?
Spinning.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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