I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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