I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
