you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
