He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
