I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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