Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
