Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
