Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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