Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
