I wish I could punch you in the face.
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
