We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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