I can text with my tongue
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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