Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
