Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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