I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
