I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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