I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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