just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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