My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
