You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
